thinking of you

ive stopped wrighting my thinking of yous because you seem to not want me to...and i know that its time for me to move on because you arent in love with me anymore....but i do still love you and think about you constantly...

thinking of you #night nine

last night you invited me over i got to lay with you and touch you and kiss you. it was so good to feel that again. i can see that you like me too i just hate that you hold back when we text or something...i wish you would be like you are when its just me and you nobody to watch us. or judge or influence. just me and you. 

i love kissing you. the first time you kissed me tonight....you caught me off gaurd and it felt eletric all through my body i really hope you felt it too cause it was so great. i love kissing you there is nothing better. ive kissed other people but its just not the same. they arent you.

thinking of you #night eight

you made plans to cuddle with me :) i love you

i love hanging out with you and just bein myself with you. you were my very best friend i hope one day you will be again.

thinking of you #night seven

do you miss me?

i love those really long hugs we used to share.

thinking of you #night six continued

im doing two tonight cause its a good one and i dont want to forget this one.

i love that you still give me butterflies. i love that when i know im going to see you i get crazy nervous and my heart beats wayyy faster  than it should be. and i love that sincr weve had time apart now you make me toungue tied again and im so nervous about impressing you just like in the begginning i wonder if you feel that too.

thinking of you #night six

you pretend you dont love me buy i know better. i better make this one quick you just texted.

i love your big blue eyes. and they way you used to look at me. how they change color sometimes. i love just looking into them especially when youre looking back into mine. mine are watering right now. i love you baby.

thinking of you #night five

tonight i told you goodbye and you didnt fight for me.

i love when you lt me see who you really are inside.

thinking of you #night four

tonight you were there for me and cheered me up when i was sad

i love you caring heart. dont ever change that even though people will hurt you not everybodys trying to. some people just want to love you.

thinking of you #night three

you know what they say.....if shes stupid enough to love you after you broke her heat she is the one. i wonder if you still think im the one? ive been thinking alot about my future and it just doesnt seem right with you. i am excited about getting my own apartment maybe having a roommate but i really just want it to be you. i was thinking about having my own place and having you sleepover finally sleepover the way we always talked about. or maybe renting a hotel when we go to prom together and we can actually sleep all night long together. just to see what its like then i think youll know if you want to wake up to me every morning.


I love the text messages you used to send me when i was feeling bad...i wish you still did that the really long heartfelt messages that were 6 pages long. or the time when you first told me you loved me at the end of a poem you wrote for me. i wish you still did that too... you were so perfect before i wrecked you...

you broke my heart tonight

i stayed up waiting for you and i was so excited to talk to you but you said that yoy were too tired andd you diznt like my angry birds underwear i know its stupid but i cant stop crying i try so hard to get your attention and i wait for you everyday from when i wake up and i think of all of the things i want to tell yoy aboyt my day and it just feels like you dont care sometimes i feel likee im the only one tryinf to make it work it really realllly hurts. but you made an effort by saying youd stay on for five more minuets but you didnt really....then i see sarah post on your wall that you promised her youd bring her back shells. that was it couldnt ignore it anymore not to meantion i already ignored a wall post from some other girl earlier today. so yes you broke my heart tonight. i go out of my way to make you happy and you dont even appreciate it. your going to bring shells home for sarah the girl who calls you a little bitch and talks behind your back the girl who says shes using you and would like to break your knee caps. yes bring her the shells. not the girl who gives you her heart not the girl who was there for you everytime you fell. not the girl you claim to have loved and will always be in your heart. no fuck her. fuck her just like you did before. when she tried to kill herself you dumped her. when she needed you you left her. you should have been there everytime she cried you should have been there when she needed you. you should have loved her before it was to late.

thinking of you #night two

im missin you trying really hard to stay up so we can talk but i dont know if i will make it...

i love those nights when it was time for you to leave and you never wanted to go i miss when you loved being with me. I love you Alan.

thinking of you #night one

ive decided every night that i stay up thinking of the one i love im going to blog about one thing i love about him.

i love when im cuddling with you and you tell me to come closer though we are already very very close and you pull me against you even more almost like we are one. :) i love when you do that so much.

my favorite thing about you

i will never forget all the beautiful memories we shared. everynight i see your smile in my mind your real one not the one you take pictures with. its the first thing i think about in the morning. sometimes it makes me sad because i really miss seeing it and its rare cause its not the smile you usually show its your geniunly happy and you cant even try to hide it smile its also your im lying to you katie and you caught me smile. the kind that you always get when you say "i hate babies" and i say "you love babies" and you make a giant smile and you have to turn around and hide because you cant hold it back. thinking aboit it makes me want to kiss you a hundred times. i loved being in your arms i always felt safe and just loved you were my first love and thats a spot nobody can replace. i remember one night we were sitting on the couch talking and you were laying on my lap and you told me all embarrassed that i was the first person to ever make you feel loved. you might not remember little things like that but i can play it like a movie in my head. i remember alot of nights with you and things you told me that you probably dont remember i know it might not have always seemed like it but i did listen to you and i remember alot of it some things i wish i didnt....but i do i didnt act like it but i was listening to you and i remember alot of your exact words about random things when somthing reminds me of you. yesterday i went in the kitchen and i started laughing cause i remembered one time when you were eating ramon noodles and took a giant spoon full and choked and then you did the same thing like three more times until you didnt choke because you wanted to show me you could do it. someone asked me the other day what my favorite memory with you was and you know what i said? that night when we both laid in sleeping bags and just talked for hours. and i know to you it probably was just another night but that night reassured me how much i loved you. just laying there talking with you it was so easy and simple you cant do that with alot of people you were my bestfriend. i loved just sitting in that basement chair with you for hours who else could you do that with? wed just sit there and talk and sometimes kiss but im sure there isnt alot of people i could sit in a
 room with for hours like that. that was my favorite part about being with you justt always having you around to talk to no matter what it was about.

its not like the movies

i dont understand why love has to hurt i NEVER imagined id feel pain this deep i thought when i fell in love he would be perfect and accepting of me....i thought that no matter what happend he wouldnt walk away...our love would never die wed get married and make beautiful babies together. bull shit. its not like that at all and screw you love stories for poisining my brain with that. its not like the movies there is no prince. but there is a bunch of liers and cheaters and heart breakers the world is quite stocked up on those. i neeed someone thats real who will keep every promise no matter how small or stupid. guys....if you dont feel something or really actually mean it....dont you dare promise her.

Alan

Hes so beautiful and i wish hed share some of that with me. I wish he wanted to be with me the way i want to be with him. I love him. Always will. He used to think i was soo good and pure like his angel. Then i broke his heart. And he broke mine. And nothings the same. He wont look at me tye way he used to. Hes lost faith in the world and in me. I let him down ofcorse he wont open up his heart to me. How can i expect him to? After all weve been through. I wouldnt look at me either.

Untitled

I never expected my life to take this path. But i guess nobody really does thats why its called life. Its a stupid game in my oppinion and id love to just quit sometimes but when the going gets tough... Youve got to keep on living even when you feel like you have no control over your life. Just breathe. And love. Fall in love with as many things as you can cause every little thing wants to be loved. Love never dies thats the thing. If its true love then it will always be there on some level its hard to open up your heart to someone and then close it off compleatly. Youll always have scars but dont remember how much the person hurt you by giving it to you, remember the love that you shared even if its not there anymore. Remember the good times not the bad and never hold grudes because nobody wants to hold onto pain. If your having a hard time and lifes got you down just remember that life changes all the time and nobody knows what will happen in the future, all we can do is sit back and enjoy the ride. See where life takes us. You cant control the things that happen to you but you can control the way you react to it.

Friend

I cant breathe knowing ill never touch you again never see your smile or hear my name come out of your mouth. i gave you my heart and you broke it beyond repair. I just need to hear your voice one last time. just hold me one last time promise everything will be alright i just need a friend to pick me up. im falling so fast and now i don't know where to turn i just need a friendly face to pull me out of this never ending hell.

My name is Sarah

My name is Sarah I am but three, My eyes are swollen I cannot see, I must be stupid, I must be bad, What else could have made My daddy so mad? I wish I were better, I wish I weren't ugly, Then maybe my Mommy Would still want to hug me. I can't speak at all, I can't do a wrong Or else I'm locked up All the day long. When I awake I'm all alone The house is dark My folks aren't home. When my Mommy does come I'll try and be nice, So maybe I'll get just One whipping tonight. Don't make a sound! I just heard a car My daddy is back From Charlie's Bar. I hear him curse My name he calls I press myself Against the wall. I try and hide From his evil eyes I'm so afraid now I'm starting to cry. He finds me weeping He shouts ugly words, He says its my fault That he suffers at work. He slaps me and hits me And yells at me more, I finally get free And I run for the door. He's already locked it And I start to bawl, He takes me and throws me Against the hard wall. I fall to the floor With my bones nearly broken, And my daddy continues With more bad words spoken. "I'm sorry!" I scream But its now much too late His face has been twisted Into unimaginable hate. The hurt and the pain Again and again Oh please God, have mercy! Oh please let it end! And he finally stops And heads for the door, While I lay there motionless Sprawled on the floor. My name is Sarah And I am but three, Tonight my daddy Murdered me.

Annie

Today i want to talk about a movie i saw the other night. it was a story of a 14 year old girl who met a guy online they talked everynight and he gave her compliments and told her how special she was and how much he liked her and that they should meet up. Annie then finds out that her crush isnt a junior in high school he is much much older old enough to be her dad. but she still agrees to meet up with him at the mall. most people would say that Annie's a stupid girl and should have ran as soon as she knew the age diffrence but she didnt. Annie really likes the man "Charlie" as she knows him as. At first when she sees in person how much older Charlie is than her shes scared and taken back but they get to talking and before she knows it shes getting in his car. he takes her back to his hotel with him where he has sex with her and even though Annie knows somthing is really wrong and she is uncomfterble she lets it happen. Everyone must be watching the movie screaming at the TV what a stupid girl she is. But Annies not stupid Annie was raped. after the night at the hotel Annie doesnt hear back from Charlie and shes very hurt so she goes to talk to a friend. She tells her friend how shes in love with Charlie despite the age diffence but her friend sences somthing is very wrong so she proceedes to tell the principal. and before Annie could realize whats happening her secret is out and everyones disappointed. Even though everyone is looking to put Charlie in jail Annie still protects him and continues to believe she was not raped or taken advantage of. Finally a detcive is able to link Charlie back to three other girls about Annies age one being only twelve years old. It takes seeing the pictures of these girls for Annie to finally step back and realize whats happend to her. it took her months to realize that shes been raped. many people will say that Annie should have been smarter and thats very true she should have known but its very hard to understand Annies situation if you havent been in it. I went through somthing very similar i was 16 and he was nearly 22 and i thought he liked me i really did. i thought he was so great and so diffrent from everybody. he told me everything i wanted to hear and i didnt care about the age diffrence. i thought what we had was real. but i was wrong. wrong. wrong. its hard to see that somthings wrong when it seems so right. its hard to have an outside perspective when its happening to you. I was just like "stupid Annie" young and insecure i didnt see him for what he really was i didnt know what he was doing to me i didnt understand because he faked so well. and it took alot of hurting to see him for what he truley was. these guys are professionals at telling girls what they want to hear and because were so young we actually believe it. This is for all the girls who have even been fooled or lied to. for all the girls who gave it up too young to someone who didnt deserve them. all the girls who have had theyre lives taken from them by a man like Charlie. Be. stronger. than. that. When a guy seems tooo good to be true he probably is. Theres a reason he's not with soemone his own age.

just give me one more chance to make it right i wont go home without you

Everynight i cry my self to sleep thinking why does this happen to me? why does everything have to be so hard for me to believe? but its. not. over. tonight.

Little Again

So i sit here on my laptop reading all my old posts nearly three years later....theres so much i didnt know so many things i thought i would have done by now what happend to all the time? people always told me not to rush into growing up i wish i listened. if i could go back now id do it all diffrently. i sit here and think about all the people who have touched my life and all the people who left it. even someone i only knew for the short cruise i went on a few years ago, or the boys i used to like, or the guy behind me in the lunch line who paid for my lunch when i couldnt, my older friends who have graduated and moved onto college, i'll never see them again. People leave from my life almost evey day and it feels like more people leave it then come into it. nothing scares me more than ending up alone. even though someone tells me im not alone i still feel it. the more time passes the more people i will lose. what happend to catching snowflakes on our toungues, and having lemonade stands in the summer, swinging so high our sneakers punch holes in the clouds, when our biggest problem was someone stealing our favorite crayon? I spent so much time wanting to grow up, wanting to drive cars and kiss boys start highschool and be prom queen i guess i never noticed all the things i was leaving behind... like my favorite green dress that i wore until it was much much MUCH to small, sleeping in my moms bed when i was scared, my sisters and i dancing around the house with our stuffed animals everytime christmas rolled around, oh my sisters...what id give to be little again. we stayed up talking everynight and then stay up whispering after we got yelled at for being to loud. i got to have a sleepover with my two bestfriends every single night....and now even though we live under the same roof its like we barely know eachother. we shared everything in that room, from skirts and socks to stories of our first crushes. i remember all the dumb things wed fight over like barbie clothes and who got to sleep on the top bunk. now i look at you.... my baby sister having a baby of her own... im sorry that i wasnt there for you when you got your heart broken or when you couldnt stand to live at home or when you started haning out with the wrong girls....when you got pregnant....im sorry i wasnt there for you when you needed me. Im sorry i didnt let you sleep on the top bunk when we were little, and that i didnt let you play with my friends, that i moved out of our room, that i dunked your baby doll in the toilet, that i told on you every chance i got. if i could be little again i promise this time id do it all diffrently.