who am i?

who am i? I am the kind of girl who has three blogging accounts on this website, and can never remember the password to the account i actually need. I am the kind of girl who cant make up her mind. What do i want to do with my life? Who do i want in my life? What kind of person do i wish i was? all questions i cannot answer. i am the kind of girl who works two jobs and goes to school. I bite my tongue and do what i am told, then i come home and yell at my mom. Not because i am ungrateful but because i am tired. oh-so-tired-of-everything/body. I am the kind of girl who likes to be unhappy to sit in her room and sulk about the way her life has turned out. finally one night i decide to blog and let it all out. i blog months apart i am never consistent. even though i love the feeling it brings me. though i know nobody will ever read it i pretend they do. i pretend the people i love can see what i am feeling. maybe ill have to learn what i am feeling first. i am barely kind of girl. The kind of girl who barely studies for tests. The kind who barely does her homework.barely pays attention at work. Barely shares her feelings. At times the kind of girl who barely speaks. i am a licensed cosmetologist afraid to pick up her sheers. Afraid to ask for help as i stare at my co-workers from behind the shampoo bowl. I am the kind of girl who works as a server and feels more at home than in her own house. I am the kind of girl that has never been to a rave a bar or a real high school party. The kind of girl who would rather stay in than meet new people. The kind of girl who still listens to her parents even though shes of legal age. I confide in my boyfriend for everything. He is my bestfriend my boyfriend, my advice giver, my comforter, my lover, my shoulder to cry on. He listens to me and he understands me, but i worry that i will drive him away like i did all the others. i am a needy kind of girl. i need to feel loved to be touched and to feel welcome to feel wanted. i have so much of him but still i want more i need more. i want an engagement a marriage a family a life together. i know i am young and foolish, but its what i want. what i need. I am the kind of girl who dreams of running away starting my life over with a new name and new hair. i could live life on the edge. i could be wild and dangerous. i could be heartless and crazy. i could move along from town to town and never get bored. or i could sit in my room and blog. to be honest im the kind of girl who likes to blog.

His name is Anton

Today is my 18th birthday. Finally the day I've been waiting for all my life when I'm finally considered an adult and I'm finished with high school. To be honest I'm terrified. It really scares me that I don't know where I'm going to be in a year or two much less five. But one good thing came out of all the years I struggled in school...WISDOM who knew you could learn from school. Not just from an education either but from relationships with my peers teachers and family. It's crazy to think how different my life is now and all the things that have changed. Like my baby nephew Noah. I never saw that coming. I never thought my sister and Ed would outlast me and Alan but here they are. And now that I don't have Alan holding me back I see the world so much differently and I can actually be happy and feel part of my family. Even though I don't always get along with them ill always love them. My sister and I have become so close since she had Noah closer than I ever thought we would be. Noah is just my world he makes me so happy I knew I'd love him but I never imagined so much. I didn't get to share much of the joys in preparing for him coming into the world but I'm so glad that he did. I often thought about suicide before he was born I thought he wouldn't need me or he'd be better off without me. But I am so glad that I met him and am so glad that I am his god mother. He is for sure the reason I am here today I love him with all of my heart. And speaking of love... I met this guy he is best friends with my sisters boyfriend and he is just so perfect for me. I thought I knew love and happiness but I had no idea. And even tho I still have a lot of stress to this day I can honestly say I'm in the best place I've been in in a long time. This guy is so special to me and he makes me feel special. I really couldn't have asked for anyone better. He is so sweet and really cares for me. He goes out of his way to do things for me and its so nice to have found someone who wants to give as much as I do. That's how I know this love is real you have to have a give and take relationship if only one person gives it will never work. He makes me just beyond happy I really see a future with him. I don't have to wonder about if he feels the same for me because I know he loves me as much as I love him I can feel it in his words and the way he looks at me. Not only does he say that he loves me but he actually shows it. Do you have any idea he hard that is to find? I'm so happy that he came into my life and that we get to be god parents together. He keeps me sane he's always there for me to talk to and that's all I ever needed was someone to share things with and someone to just be by my side no matter how dumb the reason. Someone who won't pick fights with me or try to control me. Someone who loves me for who I am and wants to share things with me. Someone who I can trust and count on to be there for me. Someone who genuinely cares about my happiness and wants to share their happiness with me. And that's exactly who he is. His name is Anton and he is perfect I couldn't have asked for anyone better. I love his face and his laugh. I love his smile and he has the most amazing eyes I've ever seen. I love being in his arms and I know he loves having me there that's the best part of it all. I've never felt so loved or wanted before. I thought I'd been in love before but now that I see what life with Anton is like I know that what I had wasn't love. Love isn't one sided. Love is shared between to people who truly care and want the best for each other. They put the other person before their own needs that's what love is and I'm so happy to have found it with him. I hope that we will last forever but even if we don't I just want to be able to say that I made him happy for as long as I possibly could and that I had a big impact on his life and hopefully will always be apart of it. If not as boyfriend and girlfriend then as god parents because he is so different from anyone I've met and I always want to have him in my life. Today is my birthday and I know he is going to make it so special for me. I can't wait to spend many more birthdays with him. And even though he's only been in my life a few months I know that he isn't going anywhere for a long time. He is just so perfect for me. I love you Anton. Thank you for showing me true genuine love and the way a relationship is supposed to be. I hope that I will always be as important to you as you are to me. <3 p="">

Papa

Vincent "Squeeks" Collaro May 10th 1938 - Febuary 26th 2013

My grandfather was probably the greatest man in my life. He was so funny just everything he did was funny. He was also very very strong. He survived with leukemia for years most of my life i didn't even know that he had it. He never liked to admit that he needed help or that he was in pain. Days before he was put in the hospital for the last time he was golfing. He loved to golf and wanted all of his sons and grandsons to golf, but only his oldest grandson pursued it as a career he teaches young men to golf still. Anyways my papa was strong real strong. the problem with leukemia is that you lose alot of blood your white blood cells eat it up. On his last hospital visit he was given over 14 bags of blood but it wasn't enough. his blood was rare he was O negative but the problem was he had antibodies in his blood so it was extremely difficult to match it. The blood wasn't working so eventually he had to be put on machines i went to visit him my dad told me that i should talk to him and tell him anything i wanted him to know i walked over to his side and looked down at him. a tube down his throat forcing him to breathe watching his chest fall and rise with forced air his eyes closed. he looked so fragile and i didn't want to see him that way. i tried to find some words but nothing would come out. i managed to say a faint hi papa before i burst into tears i had to leave. i spent the rest of the day in the waiting room crying on and off until the doctor came in to talk to our family. the doctor told us that his liver was failing and that they were pretty sure his intestine  had broken open he was unable to breathe on his own and at some point he had suffered a heart attack. so even if all of those problems went away he was still fighting an aggressive case of leukemia. they decided to have another meeting the next day at 11 that's probably when they would pull the plug. me my dad my sister and brother left the hospital after that. i remember just crying after we left i felt so stupid for not being able to say anything to him i said i wish i could have just found my words in my head. and in that moment my dad gets a phone call that my papa was having a heart attack. we were about ten minuets away so we quickly turned around. we had got there just in time. they took the tube out of his throat my entire family was there my nanie(his wife) my dad and uncle Vinnie (his sons) Vinnie Joey Michael (his grandsons) and Marissa Franchesca and me (his granddaughters). we watched as he took his last breaths. i saw my grandmother sobbing by his side. i saw my family cry like never before. after he was gone i got the chance to tell him goodbye and that i missed him i even kissed his cheek. that's an opportunity that most people don't get. and i almost missed it. i will always believe that that was god giving me a second chance to say goodbye to him. whenever i feel like life isn't worth living i think back to some of the worst moments in my life and how God has helped me through it. i know that god has a plan for me and that things happen for a reason. My papa is in a much better place now and my memories of him will last forever. There were so many people at his wake and the line of cars following his casket was ridiculously long. miles long. he was such an amazing man with so many people who cared for him. he will live on in our hearts forever.

I love you papa
 

thinking of you

ive stopped wrighting my thinking of yous because you seem to not want me to...and i know that its time for me to move on because you arent in love with me anymore....but i do still love you and think about you constantly...

thinking of you #night nine

last night you invited me over i got to lay with you and touch you and kiss you. it was so good to feel that again. i can see that you like me too i just hate that you hold back when we text or something...i wish you would be like you are when its just me and you nobody to watch us. or judge or influence. just me and you. 

i love kissing you. the first time you kissed me tonight....you caught me off gaurd and it felt eletric all through my body i really hope you felt it too cause it was so great. i love kissing you there is nothing better. ive kissed other people but its just not the same. they arent you.

thinking of you #night eight

you made plans to cuddle with me :) i love you

i love hanging out with you and just bein myself with you. you were my very best friend i hope one day you will be again.

thinking of you #night seven

do you miss me?

i love those really long hugs we used to share.